And the wheels continue to turn...

So much has happened in the past several days I am not even sure where to begin. School is always a good place to start. I started my second year at LSU and my third year of college overall last week. So far, I really am enjoying school. I have a great feeling about this semester. I think it has something to do with being further along in my college so I am really taking the classes that interest me. Beyond the school aspect, I do believe good things are going to happen this semester. I just want to be an instrument that allows God to play His music to all the hurting people around me. I do not want to sit in the back of class to simply take notes. I no longer want to hide out in the library only speaking to people I know. I just want to rest in the freedom that is God and let Him lead. It is when I line my life up with the freedom of the Father that everything else falls into place. No, I am not saying I expect anything to be easy but I know I will not be alone. The past few years I have really let fear of rejection chain me down. I refuse to let that happen anymore. I just need to stand up in the face of past hurt and pain and say no longer will I have you in my life. I know all of this easy to say I am going to do it, but not always as easy to walk in it. I know that I must walk in freedom.

Moonlit talks

heavy hearts

easy souls

spoken words

unheard pleas

Faceless thoughts flash the screen

Hearts laid out

Blind ambition, no one sees

Figures walk past

Background noise they become

To engage with souls is my plea

Speaking to hearts is what I dream

More than a moment I wish to be

Empty smiles surround me

Lost glances are what I see

To be more than a shadow is my call

At 8:40 Monday morning I will begin my third year of college. I cringe when I say that and not because I do not like school. I have always had a slight fear of growing up. I enjoy this state of limbo I now find myself in. I am on the verge of adulthood but still lack some of the responsibilities many adults carry. But sadly I know that this is not a place I shall be in very long. I guess I just do not need to get ahead of myself, just enjoy the life I have today. This is something I have to tell myself often. I love this stage of my life so I am just going to enjoy instead of worrying it away. I am just going to fall back into the arms of God and enjoy the days I am given.

For the past couple days I have been going through the things in my room. This has really made me think about what a person of excess I am. My life is so cluttered with things I do not need yet still seem to want to hold onto. Often I let the things I surround myself with control who I am. I would like to believe I need no material things to fulfill who I am. I am not trying to say that I want to go off into the woods to live in solitude. I just wish I lived a life that at any given moment I could rid myself of all material things and start over but I can never seem to let go. Looking at all I own also began to bring into perspective how much I do not try to rely on God. I attempt to fill my life with things instead of letting my life overflow with the grace and love only found in the Creator's arms. The Maker of heaven and earth wants to be my provider yet I try to make do on my own. The One who put the stars in the sky request to be my guide and I feel I can do it on my own. Why do I think such foolish thoughts? I have no doubt that God created me and therefore knows my every fiber, yet I tend not to trust that He can take care of me. The creator of something is the one that knows how to take care of it best. Why then do I try to tell God what I need and how things should be? I just need to let go and let God flow.

Ramble ramble ramble...

The night sky roles in like an eerie voice calling my name

Darkness abounds and mystery spreads

My thoughts held in your hands

Why is it when you have the most thoughts running through your head they seem the hardest to get out? It seems that when my wheels spin the most, the words are the hardest to get out. I just want to be able to vomit my thoughts on to a page without looking back. I want to bare my soul on the empty space. I think I am beginning to realize that it is fear that keeps from writing during my “writer’s block” periods. I become afraid of my own thoughts and seeing them as words before me. I am afraid of not being understood and most of all being rejected. I guess these are fears that many people face throughout everything they do. I just wish I did not let it control me so much. I need to use the fear to motivate me in the right direction. But I guess that is what a lot of people strive for. I am coming to find that multitudes of people are motivated by their fear. They either let it direct them away from their goal or use it as positive energy to reach their goal. I know that I am called to write, God has placed a deep desire in my heart for touching lives through written word and I must do this. I cannot keep letting fear control and direct.

Thanks Chelsea.

You may have noticed that a couple of months ago I quit blogging. My lack of writing went far beyond this blog. Throughout my life as a "writer" I have gone through phases where putting my thoughts down in one space seems impossible. It happens the most when I feel my emotions take a roller coaster ride and that seems to have been the case lately. Life has been changing a lot for me and it has taken some time for me to just let go and let God lead. I guess that is what this walk of grace is all about, learning daily to rely on God. Another issue causing this block is the fact that I began to question why I do what I do. By that I mean, pursuing writing and reading. For some vain, self-deprecating reason after another I started to question why I was an English Lit major, or in school at all, why I wanted to be a writer and so on. In the midst of all of this doubt I began to vent to my sister and her friend. I went on about how I had such a passion for expressing my ideas in written words and that I wanted to change the world through the art of the English language. Yet, at the same time I could not write because I felt it did not matter to anyone. This is when my sister's friend looked up at me and said, "it matters to me." She then went on to explain how she checked my blog to make sure she did not miss anything I would post. I do not think she will ever understand how much those four words meant to me. My cry in life has always been to matter to someone else, to have my words embrace another person's soul.

To see this ink on paper stirs my heart

Straight black lines open my soul

To be so bare for all to see

Hearts beat right out our chest

Laying there with such unrest

At this point in time I am employed at a tire shop. No, I do not change tires. I manage the office and attempt to keep track of the tire guys. I am the only female that works there and I love it. I hate drama, gossip and other girly things. For the most part the guys there treat my like a princess and if you know me you know I do not mind the attention. :) Most of that is beside the point of this post. Sitting in that office gives me a lot time to think and I have a tendency to let my thoughts wander. Day after day I see these guys trapped in a life they hate. I watch them make meaningless conversations and fill voids with empty vices. I see them work 60 hour weeks to barely make ends meet. Watching this weighs heavily on my mind. I hate seeing people in what seems to be a hopeless situation. I do not think they are trapped simply because of where they work. It is just that I know that no matter where I work, go to school or preform any activity in life I belong to God and I walk in His calling. Aside from my boss, none of the men working there walk with the Lord. It just breaks my heart to see people searching for something when the answer is right in front of them. Often, I find myself trying to explain to them why I am happy with my life and I feel like they cannot understand. It has little to do with what I am doing but rather why I am doing it. It is my prayer that the life I lead leaves a mark on the people I work with.

Hot days hot days

Today begins my favorite time of the year, summer. I love everything about it, sundresses, skirts, sunshine, reading for fun, family vacations, movie days with my mom, becca-lauren-Jesus-coffee dates, hanging out with the coolest little kids in the world(that are not so little anymore), crawfish boils, late nights with friends and the list could continue on and on. Summer for me is always a time to refresh and refocus. I feel like a small child when summer roles around; I just want to put on my swimsuit to go play in the sprinkler. I wish summer still meant sleepovers with friends, slip n sliding all day, building cars, making forts out of holly bushes and riding bikes all day. Even though those days have passed I still love summer. There is just something magical about these days. I pray to never lose this feeling. It is my hope that no matter where I find myself in life I still take time to breathe in the beauty of this season.

Before I let you read these I figured I would share a little. These writings I have on this post are a little sad but this does not mean I am depressed. Often, when I share "heavy" things people tend to worry. I find it to be a very healthy expression of who I am to share my sad thoughts. I tend to be a super passionate person and sometimes with passion comes a wide range of emotions. I find it one of the most healing things to put my thoughts into written words. My stringed words are not always an accurate representation of what I am going through; rather, these words just display an emotion I have felt or a situation I have seen another walk. I find emotions to be a beautiful aspect of human beings. I wish as people we were not always so afraid of them. I find the most confident people are the ones that never seem afraid to show how they feel.

There is this place deep within,

Where the lies end and tales fade.

There is this depth where only truth can speak.

This battlefield rages in my mind through all

All the false truths all the pain

It all prevails, it all kills

Kills a piece of me every time you through the dagger

I wish I could lie to myself

I wish I could believe their stories.

Just feed me truth and I will leave

No matter the pain no matter the selfish gain

I want truth, in truth there is love

And that is what I want to know, where this love belongs

I need to be held I need to know I belong

running this world so alone so lost

Where did I lose myself when did I escape to this land of misbelief

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You held my hand, promised it would be forever

You touched my heart, said you would never leave

I have forgiven so many times

I have dismissed all your lies

This time I am done

I cannot erase what you have begun

I am starting over, beginning a new

This time I will not include you.

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You promised to be my hand to hold

You promised to be what you knew you could never be

Why did you let such a fragile heart fall

You looked me in the eyes to promise you cared

You looked me in the eyes only to lie

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The pain in her eyes could kill an angel

The one living inside

She put her trust out for grabs

She gave her love for you to have

Such a beautiful soul spread out on the ground

Such a beautiful spirit crying for more

You lead her on, tore her down

You used and abused to toss aside

Selfish people left to their own demise

I wish they could see the war they’ve waged

Broken people left to make a new

Broken hearts up for keeps, let her be

Cause my feet just take me where they’ve been before

And those are places I can't go anymore

I just want to be used by you

I want to walk in your calling

I here you whispering my name, daughter my bride daughter my bride

I just want to be used by you

Father train my feet train my heart

I don’t want to be broken anymore

I hear you whispering my name daughter my bride

My feet want to take me where they’ve been before

And those are places I can’t go anymore

My heart is breaking and mind can’t take it

Lord just lead once more

Am I the only one that finds myself getting angry when God answers prayers? I know that sounds silly but hear me out. Lately I have been praying for God to realign my sights for Him. I have been asking God to show me the areas of my life that need to be adjusted back toward Him. Then when I start seeing signs of the areas that need change I want to throw a fit and make excuses for why I need those things in my life. I find myself wanting to tell the creator of the universe what would work best for me. When putting in words in front of me it all sounds so silly. I just wish it would seem just as silly when I am living out my life. I truly long for all that I do to be pleasing to God. My hearts desire is to live a life worthy of His call. Yet, at the same time I feel like such a double minded being because I find myself wanting to live by my rules and guidelines. I guess I just need to give up and give in to the grace of God that surrounds my life.

Here I am, broken, alone.
I would say sorry,
To the king of kings,
It simply is not enough.
Words cannot mend,
Hearts must be pieced.
Emptiness I sought,
Emptiness I wrought.
I received what I brought.
Your grace is sufficient for me,
Your grace is all I need.
Hold me like a the infant I am.
Feed my soul, restore my life.
There Once was a time I ran,
now to barely crawl I pray.
Kneeling at the foot of the cross,
Your blood runs clean.
I feel it invade my every depth.
The pieces which were,
Are now the whole of me.
You paid the price,
For my shortcomings.
Never did I deserve it,
Never did you deserve it.
It was my hands which pierced and bruised perfection.

...

I saw the tear stream down your face

It was then I knew you would never be the same

He had taken your heart only to loose it along the way

Reached into your soul with a hand which could not grasp

The pain grew inside to leave room for nothing more

I wish I could take away the hurt

To heal a broken spirit is all I plead

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I wish I could pick up all the broken pieces for you.

It kills me to know your pain.

I am here for you, I just need you to know

To mend a broken soul I plea

I will be here waiting for the pieces of you

Maybe one day you can be whole again

Waiting for you I am willing to do

Praying for you

Knowing we will see it through

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I see your daunting stares, I hear your heavy whispers

You assume you have figured me out, you assume you know my ways

Pretty presumptuous of you, your bumptious little ways

You try to make your lies define the truth of me

I wish you could see past the pain in your eyes.

Your words will not hurt me, but they are destroying you.

The world must look so small to a mind like you.

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Two long years have passed us by, we will never be the same

Your memory lingers in all our minds

The pain hides just behind our eyes

Will we ever be set free

A moment that changed my life

Bitter toward life, forgiving of life all in the same

Wish I could see the answers we need

Wish I could hold the hearts together

Questions that will never be answered

Helps us free us

Lets us dance

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Blind faith and un-abandoned love

speechless words and heavy hearts

The beat of the soul the rhythm of the mind

Metronomes that cannot be seen

the beats beats beats we all feel and try to deny

the love for this feeling that all we run from

Margins

Some of my writings from the margins.

These are just some of the strings of thoughts which tend to fill my mind. They do not always make sense or even seem to mean anything. But, like I have stated before they are just words which I need to get out. Enjoy

Windows rolled down

Music wide open

No words even spoken

Times like these bring it all back

I held your hand and we made it through

Side by Side we let out our battle cries

Fighting for our lives

Smiling for our highs

Full of empty rhymes and tattered lines

Hold me tight all through the night

The storm is raging and alone I cannot take it

My mind is racing

My heart sounds of thunder

Can your whispers ease the pain

Right now I should be working on stuff for school, but my mind is a million places. I figured I would give myself some breathing time and do what I do best, ramble. It is a beautiful day today. I would love to sit in the park and eat some grapes but I guess I have to wait 3 more weeks to do that. School always becomes a difficult task for me at this time of year. When the weather warms up my mind says summer and summer means reading for pleasure not for work. But I guess I just have to push through and as someone once told me, "grind for it." Another problem that comes along with this apathy is when I feel this way I begin to question everything. I guess I am just looking for an excuse not to do what I need to. When I do not want to do school work, I let my mind wander into questioning what it really means to get a formal education. I start quoting Earnest Gaines' A Gathering of Old Men. Saying things like it is not a class room which teaches us but rather a life lived well. Then I have to remind myself that it was in a classroom that I learned about A Gathering of Old Men being anti-education. I wonder how Gaines feels about that? When it comes down to it I am very thankful to be at LSU. Many people would love the opportunity to receive a formal education from an university. I just wish I could get my mind to focus and get all of my school work done. I guess that is what I shall go do now.

On The Margins

Welcome to my blog. My goal in writing on this is for you to leave with more than you came with. Recently I have found myself wanting an outlet to share my writings through, while reading a friends blog I realized this would be a great place to start. My head tends to be full of ideas, stories, and one line remarks. I am always looking for an ear, a piece of paper or even a wall to throw my thoughts towards.

I have titled my blog "On The Margins" because that is where most of my writing occurs. During class and while doing homework I often find myself full of strings of words that I must get out. I tend to jot these down on the margins of my notebooks. I plan on publishing a book about my high school and college years under this same title. I will compile what I have written in my notebooks into a story of my journey through these years. I hope that this blog will help me start putting together my story.