And the wheels continue to turn...

So much has happened in the past several days I am not even sure where to begin. School is always a good place to start. I started my second year at LSU and my third year of college overall last week. So far, I really am enjoying school. I have a great feeling about this semester. I think it has something to do with being further along in my college so I am really taking the classes that interest me. Beyond the school aspect, I do believe good things are going to happen this semester. I just want to be an instrument that allows God to play His music to all the hurting people around me. I do not want to sit in the back of class to simply take notes. I no longer want to hide out in the library only speaking to people I know. I just want to rest in the freedom that is God and let Him lead. It is when I line my life up with the freedom of the Father that everything else falls into place. No, I am not saying I expect anything to be easy but I know I will not be alone. The past few years I have really let fear of rejection chain me down. I refuse to let that happen anymore. I just need to stand up in the face of past hurt and pain and say no longer will I have you in my life. I know all of this easy to say I am going to do it, but not always as easy to walk in it. I know that I must walk in freedom.

Moonlit talks

heavy hearts

easy souls

spoken words

unheard pleas

Faceless thoughts flash the screen

Hearts laid out

Blind ambition, no one sees

Figures walk past

Background noise they become

To engage with souls is my plea

Speaking to hearts is what I dream

More than a moment I wish to be

Empty smiles surround me

Lost glances are what I see

To be more than a shadow is my call

At 8:40 Monday morning I will begin my third year of college. I cringe when I say that and not because I do not like school. I have always had a slight fear of growing up. I enjoy this state of limbo I now find myself in. I am on the verge of adulthood but still lack some of the responsibilities many adults carry. But sadly I know that this is not a place I shall be in very long. I guess I just do not need to get ahead of myself, just enjoy the life I have today. This is something I have to tell myself often. I love this stage of my life so I am just going to enjoy instead of worrying it away. I am just going to fall back into the arms of God and enjoy the days I am given.

For the past couple days I have been going through the things in my room. This has really made me think about what a person of excess I am. My life is so cluttered with things I do not need yet still seem to want to hold onto. Often I let the things I surround myself with control who I am. I would like to believe I need no material things to fulfill who I am. I am not trying to say that I want to go off into the woods to live in solitude. I just wish I lived a life that at any given moment I could rid myself of all material things and start over but I can never seem to let go. Looking at all I own also began to bring into perspective how much I do not try to rely on God. I attempt to fill my life with things instead of letting my life overflow with the grace and love only found in the Creator's arms. The Maker of heaven and earth wants to be my provider yet I try to make do on my own. The One who put the stars in the sky request to be my guide and I feel I can do it on my own. Why do I think such foolish thoughts? I have no doubt that God created me and therefore knows my every fiber, yet I tend not to trust that He can take care of me. The creator of something is the one that knows how to take care of it best. Why then do I try to tell God what I need and how things should be? I just need to let go and let God flow.

Ramble ramble ramble...

The night sky roles in like an eerie voice calling my name

Darkness abounds and mystery spreads

My thoughts held in your hands

Why is it when you have the most thoughts running through your head they seem the hardest to get out? It seems that when my wheels spin the most, the words are the hardest to get out. I just want to be able to vomit my thoughts on to a page without looking back. I want to bare my soul on the empty space. I think I am beginning to realize that it is fear that keeps from writing during my “writer’s block” periods. I become afraid of my own thoughts and seeing them as words before me. I am afraid of not being understood and most of all being rejected. I guess these are fears that many people face throughout everything they do. I just wish I did not let it control me so much. I need to use the fear to motivate me in the right direction. But I guess that is what a lot of people strive for. I am coming to find that multitudes of people are motivated by their fear. They either let it direct them away from their goal or use it as positive energy to reach their goal. I know that I am called to write, God has placed a deep desire in my heart for touching lives through written word and I must do this. I cannot keep letting fear control and direct.

Thanks Chelsea.

You may have noticed that a couple of months ago I quit blogging. My lack of writing went far beyond this blog. Throughout my life as a "writer" I have gone through phases where putting my thoughts down in one space seems impossible. It happens the most when I feel my emotions take a roller coaster ride and that seems to have been the case lately. Life has been changing a lot for me and it has taken some time for me to just let go and let God lead. I guess that is what this walk of grace is all about, learning daily to rely on God. Another issue causing this block is the fact that I began to question why I do what I do. By that I mean, pursuing writing and reading. For some vain, self-deprecating reason after another I started to question why I was an English Lit major, or in school at all, why I wanted to be a writer and so on. In the midst of all of this doubt I began to vent to my sister and her friend. I went on about how I had such a passion for expressing my ideas in written words and that I wanted to change the world through the art of the English language. Yet, at the same time I could not write because I felt it did not matter to anyone. This is when my sister's friend looked up at me and said, "it matters to me." She then went on to explain how she checked my blog to make sure she did not miss anything I would post. I do not think she will ever understand how much those four words meant to me. My cry in life has always been to matter to someone else, to have my words embrace another person's soul.

To see this ink on paper stirs my heart

Straight black lines open my soul

To be so bare for all to see

Hearts beat right out our chest

Laying there with such unrest