A change of scene...

Can you look me in the eyes and drop your disguise?

Please just hold my hand and drop all of your plans.

I want this moment to last.

I am tired of counting the moments as they pass.

I have held my breath for the last time.

Nervous words bleed all over this page.

Too many thoughts shared with no one.

Terrified they will destroy what is left of me.

A few lines...

Here I stand on the edge of time

Longing to find where I belong

Choices flood my eyes

Confusion rushes my mind

Will your arms be there to catch me when I fall?

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When did our words become so empty

Holding in our questions of all the doubt

I thought we had this figured out

Here we stand on ground that feels so faulty

Falsely we've been accused

Was it simply for you to be amused

Growth is a beautiful thing...

Nights do not get much better than this. I am in the middle of nowhere Louisiana, sitting on my grandparents front porch, rocking, and enjoying the cool breeze with my mom and grandmother( or aunt, step whatever you would like to call her). The only thing that could make it better is a few other people that I have on my mind. Tonight has been rather enjoyable. I ate dinner with my younger brother and sister, talked to my pawpaw for awhile about good memories from the past, then best of all watched crazy people dance with my mom and my grandmother by my side. For some reason this evening has inspired me to blog about what has been on my mind.

The other day I was able to turn on my computer from high school. This was somewhat of a miracle because a few years ago, after lots of money spent, I was told it could not be fixed or turned back on. I was nothing short of ecstatic when it came on. All this time I have been wanting to retrieve all of my old writings and my thousands of pictures. When my brother told me the computer turned on I ran into the other room dreaming of the excitement I would soon face looking through old memories. It was an exciting experiencing but not the one I intended on. I know I have mentioned in previous post that depression was something I once battled, well this computer held all of those ugly scars I tried to hide for so long to hide. Going through my writings was a painful experience. I mean part of it was because they were not as good as I remembered them being, but also because I was not a happy person. People who only knew me on a surface level up until I was about 19 would have not known this; however, that black box that held my secrets knew otherwise. Some of the words I typed across that screen I could not even bring myself to read, it just brought back so much pain. Looking back on those days I became even more thrilled to be on the other side of the long, brutal road. As difficult as it was for me to look back on those days I was thankful I had them. That computer was saving grace, I know that sounds strange. But hear me out please. I have always been the type that did not want other people to think I needed help, I wanted to believe I could handle on my own. This was for from the truth, because without the people I let in I would not be sitting here typing this today. Writing those thoughts in that word document on my computer helped me get through many sleepless nights. I had a hard time getting it out to people so I yelled at my computer. If I could beat my computer up, I was not beating myself up. As hard as those days were I do feel thankful for them. I am happy with the person I am today and where life has brought me. I am for the people that have stuck by my side all of these years and the new ones that have recently come along. Life is so beautiful at the moment, I know that sounds cheesy. I am not trying to say that things are perfect for me right, they are not. I mean are they ever? But I have just made the decision to stand strong in the midst of it and choose to be happy. I hope you can do the same. I also want to take this time to say that if you are battling dark days talk to someone. More people than you realize are going through it right along with you. I know we all hear this, but it is true, you are not alone. That was my little plug. Good night.

The Ink is Flowing...

I wrote this in my Journal earlier today.

"As I am sitting here wanting to write I am having a hard time doing so. This is causing me to search for inspiration. Looking for inspiration is causing me to think about what inspires me to write. As complex as my mind can be, I tend to think of myself as a pretty simple person. It does not take much to inspire me to write. A crisp piece of paper, a new bic pen, the right song playing in the background, a clean desk, a messy desk, a lit candle, a beautiful picture, a nice breeze, all of these things make me want to write. On a deeper level the things that inspire me to live life to the fullest and be happy can be just as simple: a text message that just says hello, because it means that someone was thinking about me, a hug that lingers, because it shows comfort, when someone smiles with their entire body, an actual phone call, a picture that not only captures faces but tells about that moment in time, an honest heart, a car ride with no destination in mind, feeling the sun on my skin, a storm, and as silly as this sounds a mixed c.d., especially when someone made it for me."

That was random, I know. But I just felt like sharing that. I hope you are inspired to go out to do something you love. Thank you so much for reading my simple words.

Thoughts for the day

This is something I wrote in my journal earlier today.

"As I sit at this desk with my pen to paper, my mind is flooded with words. I wish there was a way to simply spit them all out at once. The past few days have been super emotional for me and for no specific reason. They have been filled with me taking time to de-clutter my life. This has led to a lot of emotional de-cluttering as well. As I began to get rid of material possessions, I suddenly became overwhelmed by the emotional attachments I had to them. I am realizing the only way to move forward from hurt and pain is to simply just do that, move forward. It is almost as if for some twisted reason I have wanted to hold onto these memories that have kept me bound. Instead of letting myself believe that I am worth more, I was holding on these memories of pain saying it is all I have. For the first time in a long time I do not feel like I am fighting against depression. I am so happy and I refuse to let anyone take that away. I can no longer allow myself to be trapped by the past or by fear of the future. To live this moment is beautiful and I need to take more time to realize that."

I know this may seem strange to some people but I have a feeling many will understand. There is something about my personality that tends to feel guilty for being happy. Some how I have conditioned myself to believe that being happy is wrong. Earlier this evening while talking with a friend about learning how to enjoy the moment I told her I have a tendency when I look past the moment into the future I just see heart ache. The look on her face made me feel like this is not the way she sees things. So I think it goes far beyond me feeling guilty about being happy. The fear that happiness only last so long and pain is soon to follow controlled me for many years of my life. Do not get me wrong, I am not trying to say that I am a depressed person that never can see the joy in life. As I stated earlier, I am so happy right now. However, there is this selfish, self-deprecating side of human nature that wants to sulk in pity parties. I believe learning our natural tendencies and using them to help guide our behavior is part of growing. I am holding on to the beauty of the moment and thankful for what life is giving me.

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Paint your tears across the sky

Let you hope fly

On the Margins...

Here are just of what I like to call my doodles. I cannot draw very well so when I doodle it tends to be a few words jotted down.

Life tears us apart

My mind is a different place

Quick to judge from a guilty life

Your words so harsh

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Confused lines and untold hearts

Where do the lies end and the truth begin

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Long nights and heavy eyes

Sips of tea and lyrics spread

Laughter spilled and stories told

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Fingers entwined

Hearts combined

Words never spoken

Thoughts spilled

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Can we just hold hands and romance

Forget the weight of what was just said

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Safe havens and crowed rooms

Comforting arms and silent hugs

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Your heavy eyes speak of sleepless nights

Your deep sighs show your hidden pain

Silent cries held deep inside

Left alone, pleading

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Thank you for reading, I am sorry if any of these are repeats from other post.

The Real World

Staying focused on one stream of thought has always been very difficult for me. I feel as if I always at least one hundred ideas swimming my mind. There are times that this drives me insane, those are the moment when I just want to sit back to enjoy a moment. However, other times I find myself very thankful for this. I can get so lost in my own head. No matter what is taking place around me I can very easily take a dive into things that only exist in my own mind. Since I was a child I have used this to my advantage. When life begins to overwhelm me I take a deep breath and roll through the scenarios in my head. This may make seem as if I do not know how to deal with reality, but that is false. I exist rather well in reality; I believe we all do. It is called being human.

I hate when I state when of the harsh aspects of life and someone says, “welcome to the real world.” Really, there is a fake world? I wish I would have known about this sooner because I would much rather be there. I think it bothers me the must when I here an adult tell a child this. It leads me to believe that such an adult does not believe a child can walk through hard times in life. That because of their age somehow life is just easier for them; I believe this to be false. In my short amount of life I have seen some young children face horrific times and do so with the bravest face. That would be the real world; that would be a child that walks in reality.

Not as sad...

As I sit here my minds is racing. I am full of words spoken in recent conversations. The past few days I seem to have come in contact with several people that were willing to admit their brokenness. As sad as it makes me, it fascinates me to see humans be vulnerable. For a brief moment in time people let down all walls and take off all mask to show you a window into their soul. A window that is rarely seen through, only glimpses through blinds hung carefully to keep you out. People spend so much of their time trying to hide how broken they really are. We hang words like curtains. Everyone lies and pretends to be strong but the moments where complete honesty breaks out are the moments when life takes my breath away. I have a hard time admitting me weakness so when people are broken with me it makes it easier for me to be real with them. As scared as it makes me to be open, I love the thought of being close enough to someone to let down all barriers. There is such a freedom in feeling so loved that truth can be spoken at all times.

How could I not see the truth in you bloodshot eyes?

So blinded by you wicked disguise

Being held in your hands was my demise

You were my world

Now that you have walked away where do I stand?

Can I even stand?

Passion bleeds through my hands

Disaster strikes in all my plans

This is the only me I know to be

Wishing they could all just see

Carvings in my brain

Writing is something I tend to do on a daily basis, wether it is throwing together a few lines or composing a detailed description of an event. I get my inspiration from my day to day happenings. However, there is one major even in my life that I just never could make myself write about, no matter how hard I tried. Well all of that changed last night. I am going to share with you a a moment that forever changed my life. This is a sad story but without these moments take us from humans to people with souls. This story is part of a larger one I am writing so some of the details may not make since without reading the full story. But this is all I want to share for now.

Here is my story:

I realized the day before a school retreat my senior year of high school that I did not have a dress to wear. No, a dress was not required but being a 17 year old, high school girl this made me very upset. That night at dinner, my father did the reasonable thing and told me I did not give him enough notice to take me to buy a dress. A little while later he left and told me he was going back to work. Returning home from work, he opened the door, called my name and said we are going shopping. Not wanting him to change his mind I ran to the car and we went to the nearest store. Together we spent too much money on a dress and I was a happy daddy's girl. Falling asleep that night my world was a happy place.

The next morning I loaded my bags into the car and could barely contain my excitement about the upcoming weekend. My phone rang soon after loading the car. It was my friend Josh calling me, I was a little confused because his name was not one that often showed up on my phone. When I answered I heard a broken voice on the other end. He asked me of I heard retreat was cancelled. When I told him no, he replied that Lauren's dad had passed away early that morning. Lauren was my best friend and that news pierced my heart. That very moment is branded in my mind. I simply responded, "okay. " I hung up the phone and ran to my mom. I told her what happened and she went to wake my father with the news. My mind started spinning, my heart began to race, tears swept my face and I began to throw up. To this day it is the most violent reaction I have had to a situation. The next few days bleed together in my mind. Only a few moments stand out as separate events. I remember getting to school that day. It was pouring rain but that did not stop anyone from standing outside hugging and crying. One of my closest friends was late to school that day. I saw his car pull into the parking lot so I went to meet him. I can only imagine what was going through his mind when he saw me walking in the rain with tears flooding my face. When he got out of his car I asked him if he had heard the news. I did not want to speak the dreadful words if I did not have to. He shook his head and I could see the fear in his eyes. I softly told him "Mr. George passed away." There we stood in the rain holding each other and crying. After a few minuted he said, "let's everyone together to pray." We gathered in a circle, held hands, and made an attempt to get words out through the tears. After we prayed, along with my friend Blaine, I headed to Lauren's house to let her know I was there for her. I remember the silent drive to her house. I could not even focus my thoughts. Walking into the house was a surreal moment. It is after that moment that the next few days begin to bleed together...

I like list

So I want to blog but I was not sure what to write about. So I have decided to just create a random list of facts about myself. I know how much people want to read about me. J (That was a joke)

1. I love to write but have the hardest time keeping up with a blog.

2. I think I do not keep up with my blog because at times it feels like I am talking to myself.

3. I love painting and drawing even though I am not very good at it either. And no I am not just fishing for compliments you can even ask my mommy.

4. I love taking pictures of anything and everything; it helps me remember good times.

5. I wish I were musically talented that way I would feel more justified in my obsession with music.

6. I find music to be a great driving force in my life. I cannot count the amount of times a song has caused me to act on something or to hold back.

7. I hope one day to have books of mine published but I am terrified of my thoughts not making sense to anyone else.

8. I have always wanted to be part of a band; yes, even though I do not sing or play an instrument.

9. I love celebrating life and it makes me sad that many people do not. I look for reasons everyday to make that day special.

10. I have never understood why grass has to be green or why leaves cannot be left alone on the ground.

11. I love to read. However, I often find myself getting stuck on one book and reading it over and over again.

12. At night I convince myself that sleep is a waste of time and I regret this in the morning.

13. Must people get songs stuck in their heads but I get little phrases stuck in my head with songs.

14. I laugh and cry a lot but cannot seem to make myself laugh or cry at a movie.

15. I hate drama in real life and I feel like I do a good job avoiding it but I love watching television shows full of it.

16. I find it enjoyable to learn and absorb information.

17. When people read my writings I feel the most vulnerable and at the same time I feel guarded. When you are reading my words you do not see into my eyes the same way you do when I speak to you.

18. I love Alfred Hitchcock movies.

19. Shoes are an obsession of mine.

20I call text messages little gifts. They make me happy.

21. Imagine how much I love a letter in the mail if a text makes me that happy.

22. People think I wear dresses because I love dressing up but really I just find them super comfortable and you do not have to match them like you do pants and a shirt.

23. Meeting new people thrills me. Long conversations with people I just met makes me feel alive.

24. I tend to be so passionate about things that at times I cannot see past my own stupidity.

25. Mix cds put a smile on my face.

26. Windows rolled down, music wide open – best kind of nights.

27. I really do enjoy giving people gifts but in a selfish way. It makes me feel good.

I guess those are enough facts about myself for now. I am pretty impressed if you are still reading. Thanks for wanting to get to know me.

First one to laugh, last one to cry

If only you knew how heavy this smile can be

Too many nights I have cried

Too many days I have lied

Telling you I was strong enough

Telling you I was tough

My heart is breaking and my mind cannot take it

I cannot keep running

My feet are blistered and my head isn’t clear

I just want to know you feel the same pain

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I hear your voice

It’s calling my name

Yet I run like mad

I need to belong just to be found

Yet I run like mad

Hiding and crying

Pleading and dying

My lover’s delight is where I need to set my sight

Distractions twist me and turn me

Trying to stand strong

All I need is to fall to my knees

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Broken pieces that will never be the same

Shattered hearts and slamming doors

God pull us all out

The building is on fire and we cannot get out

Left with only our screams

Can anyone hear these cracking voices

I am not even sure where to begin. At the moment, my brain is swimming in a sea of thoughts and ideas. I keep telling myself the nest thing to do it write them all down; however, I cannot find a place to start. That is until today, today I seem to be able to find a focal point. That is due to the fact that on February 8, 1997, I was diagnosed with type 1, juvenile, diabetes. This was also the day that God taught me how fragile life is. Yes, I know we here that all of the time and at times it is hard to grasp. I do not often talk about having diabetes or even let many people know that I do, not because I am ashamed. I do not talk about it because I do not view it as a disability, I see it as my reminder that God has a plan for my life far greater than I can imagine. When I was diagnosed my body was not very happy. My blood sugar became so elevated that I went into a coma. The doctors then began to tell my parents the horror stories of what might and was going to happen, including the possibility that I may not come out of this alive. However, being the fighter I am, I did not listen to the doctors. I came out of it alive and well. 14 years later I am still alive, well, and healthy. This event in my life helps me to be thankful for every single day I am granted the blessing of life. When days are tough and I just want to quit I remind myself that God did not save my life for me to sit back and give up.

Here are some things I have been writing the past few weeks:

Such a beautiful life torn apart by her own demise

Everything in place, such a soul of grace

Yet chaos she teased only wanting to please

Dancing with deceit losing all care

Disgrace and displaced she wants you to see

Too many nights I have cried

Too many days I have lied

Telling you I was strong enough

Telling you I was tough

My heart is breaking and my mind cannot take it

I cannot keep running

My feet are blistered and my head isn’t clear

I just want to know you feel the same pain

Betrayal in your eyes

Such twisted demise

Falling short I believed your lies

You threw your dagger at my face

All I see through the bleeding is your disgrace

I have no pity for your ways