Wednesday, March 9, 2011

The Real World

Staying focused on one stream of thought has always been very difficult for me. I feel as if I always at least one hundred ideas swimming my mind. There are times that this drives me insane, those are the moment when I just want to sit back to enjoy a moment. However, other times I find myself very thankful for this. I can get so lost in my own head. No matter what is taking place around me I can very easily take a dive into things that only exist in my own mind. Since I was a child I have used this to my advantage. When life begins to overwhelm me I take a deep breath and roll through the scenarios in my head. This may make seem as if I do not know how to deal with reality, but that is false. I exist rather well in reality; I believe we all do. It is called being human.

I hate when I state when of the harsh aspects of life and someone says, “welcome to the real world.” Really, there is a fake world? I wish I would have known about this sooner because I would much rather be there. I think it bothers me the must when I here an adult tell a child this. It leads me to believe that such an adult does not believe a child can walk through hard times in life. That because of their age somehow life is just easier for them; I believe this to be false. In my short amount of life I have seen some young children face horrific times and do so with the bravest face. That would be the real world; that would be a child that walks in reality.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Not as sad...

As I sit here my minds is racing. I am full of words spoken in recent conversations. The past few days I seem to have come in contact with several people that were willing to admit their brokenness. As sad as it makes me, it fascinates me to see humans be vulnerable. For a brief moment in time people let down all walls and take off all mask to show you a window into their soul. A window that is rarely seen through, only glimpses through blinds hung carefully to keep you out. People spend so much of their time trying to hide how broken they really are. We hang words like curtains. Everyone lies and pretends to be strong but the moments where complete honesty breaks out are the moments when life takes my breath away. I have a hard time admitting me weakness so when people are broken with me it makes it easier for me to be real with them. As scared as it makes me to be open, I love the thought of being close enough to someone to let down all barriers. There is such a freedom in feeling so loved that truth can be spoken at all times.


How could I not see the truth in you bloodshot eyes?

So blinded by you wicked disguise

Being held in your hands was my demise

You were my world

Now that you have walked away where do I stand?

Can I even stand?

Passion bleeds through my hands

Disaster strikes in all my plans

This is the only me I know to be

Wishing they could all just see

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Carvings in my brain

Writing is something I tend to do on a daily basis, wether it is throwing together a few lines or composing a detailed description of an event. I get my inspiration from my day to day happenings. However, there is one major even in my life that I just never could make myself write about, no matter how hard I tried. Well all of that changed last night. I am going to share with you a a moment that forever changed my life. This is a sad story but without these moments take us from humans to people with souls. This story is part of a larger one I am writing so some of the details may not make since without reading the full story. But this is all I want to share for now.
Here is my story:
I realized the day before a school retreat my senior year of high school that I did not have a dress to wear. No, a dress was not required but being a 17 year old, high school girl this made me very upset. That night at dinner, my father did the reasonable thing and told me I did not give him enough notice to take me to buy a dress. A little while later he left and told me he was going back to work. Returning home from work, he opened the door, called my name and said we are going shopping. Not wanting him to change his mind I ran to the car and we went to the nearest store. Together we spent too much money on a dress and I was a happy daddy's girl. Falling asleep that night my world was a happy place.
The next morning I loaded my bags into the car and could barely contain my excitement about the upcoming weekend. My phone rang soon after loading the car. It was my friend Josh calling me, I was a little confused because his name was not one that often showed up on my phone. When I answered I heard a broken voice on the other end. He asked me of I heard retreat was cancelled. When I told him no, he replied that Lauren's dad had passed away early that morning. Lauren was my best friend and that news pierced my heart. That very moment is branded in my mind. I simply responded, "okay. " I hung up the phone and ran to my mom. I told her what happened and she went to wake my father with the news. My mind started spinning, my heart began to race, tears swept my face and I began to throw up. To this day it is the most violent reaction I have had to a situation. The next few days bleed together in my mind. Only a few moments stand out as separate events. I remember getting to school that day. It was pouring rain but that did not stop anyone from standing outside hugging and crying. One of my closest friends was late to school that day. I saw his car pull into the parking lot so I went to meet him. I can only imagine what was going through his mind when he saw me walking in the rain with tears flooding my face. When he got out of his car I asked him if he had heard the news. I did not want to speak the dreadful words if I did not have to. He shook his head and I could see the fear in his eyes. I softly told him "Mr. George passed away." There we stood in the rain holding each other and crying. After a few minuted he said, "let's everyone together to pray." We gathered in a circle, held hands, and made an attempt to get words out through the tears. After we prayed, along with my friend Blaine, I headed to Lauren's house to let her know I was there for her. I remember the silent drive to her house. I could not even focus my thoughts. Walking into the house was a surreal moment. It is after that moment that the next few days begin to bleed together...





Words Words Words. Life to my weary bones. –Darren Hudman