Not as sad...

As I sit here my minds is racing. I am full of words spoken in recent conversations. The past few days I seem to have come in contact with several people that were willing to admit their brokenness. As sad as it makes me, it fascinates me to see humans be vulnerable. For a brief moment in time people let down all walls and take off all mask to show you a window into their soul. A window that is rarely seen through, only glimpses through blinds hung carefully to keep you out. People spend so much of their time trying to hide how broken they really are. We hang words like curtains. Everyone lies and pretends to be strong but the moments where complete honesty breaks out are the moments when life takes my breath away. I have a hard time admitting me weakness so when people are broken with me it makes it easier for me to be real with them. As scared as it makes me to be open, I love the thought of being close enough to someone to let down all barriers. There is such a freedom in feeling so loved that truth can be spoken at all times.

How could I not see the truth in you bloodshot eyes?

So blinded by you wicked disguise

Being held in your hands was my demise

You were my world

Now that you have walked away where do I stand?

Can I even stand?

Passion bleeds through my hands

Disaster strikes in all my plans

This is the only me I know to be

Wishing they could all just see

Carvings in my brain

Writing is something I tend to do on a daily basis, wether it is throwing together a few lines or composing a detailed description of an event. I get my inspiration from my day to day happenings. However, there is one major even in my life that I just never could make myself write about, no matter how hard I tried. Well all of that changed last night. I am going to share with you a a moment that forever changed my life. This is a sad story but without these moments take us from humans to people with souls. This story is part of a larger one I am writing so some of the details may not make since without reading the full story. But this is all I want to share for now.

Here is my story:

I realized the day before a school retreat my senior year of high school that I did not have a dress to wear. No, a dress was not required but being a 17 year old, high school girl this made me very upset. That night at dinner, my father did the reasonable thing and told me I did not give him enough notice to take me to buy a dress. A little while later he left and told me he was going back to work. Returning home from work, he opened the door, called my name and said we are going shopping. Not wanting him to change his mind I ran to the car and we went to the nearest store. Together we spent too much money on a dress and I was a happy daddy's girl. Falling asleep that night my world was a happy place.

The next morning I loaded my bags into the car and could barely contain my excitement about the upcoming weekend. My phone rang soon after loading the car. It was my friend Josh calling me, I was a little confused because his name was not one that often showed up on my phone. When I answered I heard a broken voice on the other end. He asked me of I heard retreat was cancelled. When I told him no, he replied that Lauren's dad had passed away early that morning. Lauren was my best friend and that news pierced my heart. That very moment is branded in my mind. I simply responded, "okay. " I hung up the phone and ran to my mom. I told her what happened and she went to wake my father with the news. My mind started spinning, my heart began to race, tears swept my face and I began to throw up. To this day it is the most violent reaction I have had to a situation. The next few days bleed together in my mind. Only a few moments stand out as separate events. I remember getting to school that day. It was pouring rain but that did not stop anyone from standing outside hugging and crying. One of my closest friends was late to school that day. I saw his car pull into the parking lot so I went to meet him. I can only imagine what was going through his mind when he saw me walking in the rain with tears flooding my face. When he got out of his car I asked him if he had heard the news. I did not want to speak the dreadful words if I did not have to. He shook his head and I could see the fear in his eyes. I softly told him "Mr. George passed away." There we stood in the rain holding each other and crying. After a few minuted he said, "let's everyone together to pray." We gathered in a circle, held hands, and made an attempt to get words out through the tears. After we prayed, along with my friend Blaine, I headed to Lauren's house to let her know I was there for her. I remember the silent drive to her house. I could not even focus my thoughts. Walking into the house was a surreal moment. It is after that moment that the next few days begin to bleed together...

I like list

So I want to blog but I was not sure what to write about. So I have decided to just create a random list of facts about myself. I know how much people want to read about me. J (That was a joke)

1. I love to write but have the hardest time keeping up with a blog.

2. I think I do not keep up with my blog because at times it feels like I am talking to myself.

3. I love painting and drawing even though I am not very good at it either. And no I am not just fishing for compliments you can even ask my mommy.

4. I love taking pictures of anything and everything; it helps me remember good times.

5. I wish I were musically talented that way I would feel more justified in my obsession with music.

6. I find music to be a great driving force in my life. I cannot count the amount of times a song has caused me to act on something or to hold back.

7. I hope one day to have books of mine published but I am terrified of my thoughts not making sense to anyone else.

8. I have always wanted to be part of a band; yes, even though I do not sing or play an instrument.

9. I love celebrating life and it makes me sad that many people do not. I look for reasons everyday to make that day special.

10. I have never understood why grass has to be green or why leaves cannot be left alone on the ground.

11. I love to read. However, I often find myself getting stuck on one book and reading it over and over again.

12. At night I convince myself that sleep is a waste of time and I regret this in the morning.

13. Must people get songs stuck in their heads but I get little phrases stuck in my head with songs.

14. I laugh and cry a lot but cannot seem to make myself laugh or cry at a movie.

15. I hate drama in real life and I feel like I do a good job avoiding it but I love watching television shows full of it.

16. I find it enjoyable to learn and absorb information.

17. When people read my writings I feel the most vulnerable and at the same time I feel guarded. When you are reading my words you do not see into my eyes the same way you do when I speak to you.

18. I love Alfred Hitchcock movies.

19. Shoes are an obsession of mine.

20I call text messages little gifts. They make me happy.

21. Imagine how much I love a letter in the mail if a text makes me that happy.

22. People think I wear dresses because I love dressing up but really I just find them super comfortable and you do not have to match them like you do pants and a shirt.

23. Meeting new people thrills me. Long conversations with people I just met makes me feel alive.

24. I tend to be so passionate about things that at times I cannot see past my own stupidity.

25. Mix cds put a smile on my face.

26. Windows rolled down, music wide open – best kind of nights.

27. I really do enjoy giving people gifts but in a selfish way. It makes me feel good.

I guess those are enough facts about myself for now. I am pretty impressed if you are still reading. Thanks for wanting to get to know me.

First one to laugh, last one to cry

If only you knew how heavy this smile can be

Too many nights I have cried

Too many days I have lied

Telling you I was strong enough

Telling you I was tough

My heart is breaking and my mind cannot take it

I cannot keep running

My feet are blistered and my head isn’t clear

I just want to know you feel the same pain

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I hear your voice

It’s calling my name

Yet I run like mad

I need to belong just to be found

Yet I run like mad

Hiding and crying

Pleading and dying

My lover’s delight is where I need to set my sight

Distractions twist me and turn me

Trying to stand strong

All I need is to fall to my knees

-----------------------------------

Broken pieces that will never be the same

Shattered hearts and slamming doors

God pull us all out

The building is on fire and we cannot get out

Left with only our screams

Can anyone hear these cracking voices

I am not even sure where to begin. At the moment, my brain is swimming in a sea of thoughts and ideas. I keep telling myself the nest thing to do it write them all down; however, I cannot find a place to start. That is until today, today I seem to be able to find a focal point. That is due to the fact that on February 8, 1997, I was diagnosed with type 1, juvenile, diabetes. This was also the day that God taught me how fragile life is. Yes, I know we here that all of the time and at times it is hard to grasp. I do not often talk about having diabetes or even let many people know that I do, not because I am ashamed. I do not talk about it because I do not view it as a disability, I see it as my reminder that God has a plan for my life far greater than I can imagine. When I was diagnosed my body was not very happy. My blood sugar became so elevated that I went into a coma. The doctors then began to tell my parents the horror stories of what might and was going to happen, including the possibility that I may not come out of this alive. However, being the fighter I am, I did not listen to the doctors. I came out of it alive and well. 14 years later I am still alive, well, and healthy. This event in my life helps me to be thankful for every single day I am granted the blessing of life. When days are tough and I just want to quit I remind myself that God did not save my life for me to sit back and give up.

Here are some things I have been writing the past few weeks:

Such a beautiful life torn apart by her own demise

Everything in place, such a soul of grace

Yet chaos she teased only wanting to please

Dancing with deceit losing all care

Disgrace and displaced she wants you to see

Too many nights I have cried

Too many days I have lied

Telling you I was strong enough

Telling you I was tough

My heart is breaking and my mind cannot take it

I cannot keep running

My feet are blistered and my head isn’t clear

I just want to know you feel the same pain

Betrayal in your eyes

Such twisted demise

Falling short I believed your lies

You threw your dagger at my face

All I see through the bleeding is your disgrace

I have no pity for your ways

And the wheels continue to turn...

So much has happened in the past several days I am not even sure where to begin. School is always a good place to start. I started my second year at LSU and my third year of college overall last week. So far, I really am enjoying school. I have a great feeling about this semester. I think it has something to do with being further along in my college so I am really taking the classes that interest me. Beyond the school aspect, I do believe good things are going to happen this semester. I just want to be an instrument that allows God to play His music to all the hurting people around me. I do not want to sit in the back of class to simply take notes. I no longer want to hide out in the library only speaking to people I know. I just want to rest in the freedom that is God and let Him lead. It is when I line my life up with the freedom of the Father that everything else falls into place. No, I am not saying I expect anything to be easy but I know I will not be alone. The past few years I have really let fear of rejection chain me down. I refuse to let that happen anymore. I just need to stand up in the face of past hurt and pain and say no longer will I have you in my life. I know all of this easy to say I am going to do it, but not always as easy to walk in it. I know that I must walk in freedom.

Moonlit talks

heavy hearts

easy souls

spoken words

unheard pleas

Faceless thoughts flash the screen

Hearts laid out

Blind ambition, no one sees

Figures walk past

Background noise they become

To engage with souls is my plea

Speaking to hearts is what I dream

More than a moment I wish to be

Empty smiles surround me

Lost glances are what I see

To be more than a shadow is my call

At 8:40 Monday morning I will begin my third year of college. I cringe when I say that and not because I do not like school. I have always had a slight fear of growing up. I enjoy this state of limbo I now find myself in. I am on the verge of adulthood but still lack some of the responsibilities many adults carry. But sadly I know that this is not a place I shall be in very long. I guess I just do not need to get ahead of myself, just enjoy the life I have today. This is something I have to tell myself often. I love this stage of my life so I am just going to enjoy instead of worrying it away. I am just going to fall back into the arms of God and enjoy the days I am given.