Thoughts for the day

This is something I wrote in my journal earlier today.

"As I sit at this desk with my pen to paper, my mind is flooded with words. I wish there was a way to simply spit them all out at once. The past few days have been super emotional for me and for no specific reason. They have been filled with me taking time to de-clutter my life. This has led to a lot of emotional de-cluttering as well. As I began to get rid of material possessions, I suddenly became overwhelmed by the emotional attachments I had to them. I am realizing the only way to move forward from hurt and pain is to simply just do that, move forward. It is almost as if for some twisted reason I have wanted to hold onto these memories that have kept me bound. Instead of letting myself believe that I am worth more, I was holding on these memories of pain saying it is all I have. For the first time in a long time I do not feel like I am fighting against depression. I am so happy and I refuse to let anyone take that away. I can no longer allow myself to be trapped by the past or by fear of the future. To live this moment is beautiful and I need to take more time to realize that."

I know this may seem strange to some people but I have a feeling many will understand. There is something about my personality that tends to feel guilty for being happy. Some how I have conditioned myself to believe that being happy is wrong. Earlier this evening while talking with a friend about learning how to enjoy the moment I told her I have a tendency when I look past the moment into the future I just see heart ache. The look on her face made me feel like this is not the way she sees things. So I think it goes far beyond me feeling guilty about being happy. The fear that happiness only last so long and pain is soon to follow controlled me for many years of my life. Do not get me wrong, I am not trying to say that I am a depressed person that never can see the joy in life. As I stated earlier, I am so happy right now. However, there is this selfish, self-deprecating side of human nature that wants to sulk in pity parties. I believe learning our natural tendencies and using them to help guide our behavior is part of growing. I am holding on to the beauty of the moment and thankful for what life is giving me.

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Paint your tears across the sky

Let you hope fly