Growth is a beautiful thing...

Nights do not get much better than this. I am in the middle of nowhere Louisiana, sitting on my grandparents front porch, rocking, and enjoying the cool breeze with my mom and grandmother( or aunt, step whatever you would like to call her). The only thing that could make it better is a few other people that I have on my mind. Tonight has been rather enjoyable. I ate dinner with my younger brother and sister, talked to my pawpaw for awhile about good memories from the past, then best of all watched crazy people dance with my mom and my grandmother by my side. For some reason this evening has inspired me to blog about what has been on my mind.

The other day I was able to turn on my computer from high school. This was somewhat of a miracle because a few years ago, after lots of money spent, I was told it could not be fixed or turned back on. I was nothing short of ecstatic when it came on. All this time I have been wanting to retrieve all of my old writings and my thousands of pictures. When my brother told me the computer turned on I ran into the other room dreaming of the excitement I would soon face looking through old memories. It was an exciting experiencing but not the one I intended on. I know I have mentioned in previous post that depression was something I once battled, well this computer held all of those ugly scars I tried to hide for so long to hide. Going through my writings was a painful experience. I mean part of it was because they were not as good as I remembered them being, but also because I was not a happy person. People who only knew me on a surface level up until I was about 19 would have not known this; however, that black box that held my secrets knew otherwise. Some of the words I typed across that screen I could not even bring myself to read, it just brought back so much pain. Looking back on those days I became even more thrilled to be on the other side of the long, brutal road. As difficult as it was for me to look back on those days I was thankful I had them. That computer was saving grace, I know that sounds strange. But hear me out please. I have always been the type that did not want other people to think I needed help, I wanted to believe I could handle on my own. This was for from the truth, because without the people I let in I would not be sitting here typing this today. Writing those thoughts in that word document on my computer helped me get through many sleepless nights. I had a hard time getting it out to people so I yelled at my computer. If I could beat my computer up, I was not beating myself up. As hard as those days were I do feel thankful for them. I am happy with the person I am today and where life has brought me. I am for the people that have stuck by my side all of these years and the new ones that have recently come along. Life is so beautiful at the moment, I know that sounds cheesy. I am not trying to say that things are perfect for me right, they are not. I mean are they ever? But I have just made the decision to stand strong in the midst of it and choose to be happy. I hope you can do the same. I also want to take this time to say that if you are battling dark days talk to someone. More people than you realize are going through it right along with you. I know we all hear this, but it is true, you are not alone. That was my little plug. Good night.