A change of scene...

Can you look me in the eyes and drop your disguise?

Please just hold my hand and drop all of your plans.

I want this moment to last.

I am tired of counting the moments as they pass.

I have held my breath for the last time.

Nervous words bleed all over this page.

Too many thoughts shared with no one.

Terrified they will destroy what is left of me.

A few lines...

Here I stand on the edge of time

Longing to find where I belong

Choices flood my eyes

Confusion rushes my mind

Will your arms be there to catch me when I fall?

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When did our words become so empty

Holding in our questions of all the doubt

I thought we had this figured out

Here we stand on ground that feels so faulty

Falsely we've been accused

Was it simply for you to be amused

Growth is a beautiful thing...

Nights do not get much better than this. I am in the middle of nowhere Louisiana, sitting on my grandparents front porch, rocking, and enjoying the cool breeze with my mom and grandmother( or aunt, step whatever you would like to call her). The only thing that could make it better is a few other people that I have on my mind. Tonight has been rather enjoyable. I ate dinner with my younger brother and sister, talked to my pawpaw for awhile about good memories from the past, then best of all watched crazy people dance with my mom and my grandmother by my side. For some reason this evening has inspired me to blog about what has been on my mind.

The other day I was able to turn on my computer from high school. This was somewhat of a miracle because a few years ago, after lots of money spent, I was told it could not be fixed or turned back on. I was nothing short of ecstatic when it came on. All this time I have been wanting to retrieve all of my old writings and my thousands of pictures. When my brother told me the computer turned on I ran into the other room dreaming of the excitement I would soon face looking through old memories. It was an exciting experiencing but not the one I intended on. I know I have mentioned in previous post that depression was something I once battled, well this computer held all of those ugly scars I tried to hide for so long to hide. Going through my writings was a painful experience. I mean part of it was because they were not as good as I remembered them being, but also because I was not a happy person. People who only knew me on a surface level up until I was about 19 would have not known this; however, that black box that held my secrets knew otherwise. Some of the words I typed across that screen I could not even bring myself to read, it just brought back so much pain. Looking back on those days I became even more thrilled to be on the other side of the long, brutal road. As difficult as it was for me to look back on those days I was thankful I had them. That computer was saving grace, I know that sounds strange. But hear me out please. I have always been the type that did not want other people to think I needed help, I wanted to believe I could handle on my own. This was for from the truth, because without the people I let in I would not be sitting here typing this today. Writing those thoughts in that word document on my computer helped me get through many sleepless nights. I had a hard time getting it out to people so I yelled at my computer. If I could beat my computer up, I was not beating myself up. As hard as those days were I do feel thankful for them. I am happy with the person I am today and where life has brought me. I am for the people that have stuck by my side all of these years and the new ones that have recently come along. Life is so beautiful at the moment, I know that sounds cheesy. I am not trying to say that things are perfect for me right, they are not. I mean are they ever? But I have just made the decision to stand strong in the midst of it and choose to be happy. I hope you can do the same. I also want to take this time to say that if you are battling dark days talk to someone. More people than you realize are going through it right along with you. I know we all hear this, but it is true, you are not alone. That was my little plug. Good night.

The Ink is Flowing...

I wrote this in my Journal earlier today.

"As I am sitting here wanting to write I am having a hard time doing so. This is causing me to search for inspiration. Looking for inspiration is causing me to think about what inspires me to write. As complex as my mind can be, I tend to think of myself as a pretty simple person. It does not take much to inspire me to write. A crisp piece of paper, a new bic pen, the right song playing in the background, a clean desk, a messy desk, a lit candle, a beautiful picture, a nice breeze, all of these things make me want to write. On a deeper level the things that inspire me to live life to the fullest and be happy can be just as simple: a text message that just says hello, because it means that someone was thinking about me, a hug that lingers, because it shows comfort, when someone smiles with their entire body, an actual phone call, a picture that not only captures faces but tells about that moment in time, an honest heart, a car ride with no destination in mind, feeling the sun on my skin, a storm, and as silly as this sounds a mixed c.d., especially when someone made it for me."

That was random, I know. But I just felt like sharing that. I hope you are inspired to go out to do something you love. Thank you so much for reading my simple words.

Thoughts for the day

This is something I wrote in my journal earlier today.

"As I sit at this desk with my pen to paper, my mind is flooded with words. I wish there was a way to simply spit them all out at once. The past few days have been super emotional for me and for no specific reason. They have been filled with me taking time to de-clutter my life. This has led to a lot of emotional de-cluttering as well. As I began to get rid of material possessions, I suddenly became overwhelmed by the emotional attachments I had to them. I am realizing the only way to move forward from hurt and pain is to simply just do that, move forward. It is almost as if for some twisted reason I have wanted to hold onto these memories that have kept me bound. Instead of letting myself believe that I am worth more, I was holding on these memories of pain saying it is all I have. For the first time in a long time I do not feel like I am fighting against depression. I am so happy and I refuse to let anyone take that away. I can no longer allow myself to be trapped by the past or by fear of the future. To live this moment is beautiful and I need to take more time to realize that."

I know this may seem strange to some people but I have a feeling many will understand. There is something about my personality that tends to feel guilty for being happy. Some how I have conditioned myself to believe that being happy is wrong. Earlier this evening while talking with a friend about learning how to enjoy the moment I told her I have a tendency when I look past the moment into the future I just see heart ache. The look on her face made me feel like this is not the way she sees things. So I think it goes far beyond me feeling guilty about being happy. The fear that happiness only last so long and pain is soon to follow controlled me for many years of my life. Do not get me wrong, I am not trying to say that I am a depressed person that never can see the joy in life. As I stated earlier, I am so happy right now. However, there is this selfish, self-deprecating side of human nature that wants to sulk in pity parties. I believe learning our natural tendencies and using them to help guide our behavior is part of growing. I am holding on to the beauty of the moment and thankful for what life is giving me.

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Paint your tears across the sky

Let you hope fly

On the Margins...

Here are just of what I like to call my doodles. I cannot draw very well so when I doodle it tends to be a few words jotted down.

Life tears us apart

My mind is a different place

Quick to judge from a guilty life

Your words so harsh

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Confused lines and untold hearts

Where do the lies end and the truth begin

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Long nights and heavy eyes

Sips of tea and lyrics spread

Laughter spilled and stories told

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Fingers entwined

Hearts combined

Words never spoken

Thoughts spilled

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Can we just hold hands and romance

Forget the weight of what was just said

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Safe havens and crowed rooms

Comforting arms and silent hugs

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Your heavy eyes speak of sleepless nights

Your deep sighs show your hidden pain

Silent cries held deep inside

Left alone, pleading

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Thank you for reading, I am sorry if any of these are repeats from other post.

The Real World

Staying focused on one stream of thought has always been very difficult for me. I feel as if I always at least one hundred ideas swimming my mind. There are times that this drives me insane, those are the moment when I just want to sit back to enjoy a moment. However, other times I find myself very thankful for this. I can get so lost in my own head. No matter what is taking place around me I can very easily take a dive into things that only exist in my own mind. Since I was a child I have used this to my advantage. When life begins to overwhelm me I take a deep breath and roll through the scenarios in my head. This may make seem as if I do not know how to deal with reality, but that is false. I exist rather well in reality; I believe we all do. It is called being human.

I hate when I state when of the harsh aspects of life and someone says, “welcome to the real world.” Really, there is a fake world? I wish I would have known about this sooner because I would much rather be there. I think it bothers me the must when I here an adult tell a child this. It leads me to believe that such an adult does not believe a child can walk through hard times in life. That because of their age somehow life is just easier for them; I believe this to be false. In my short amount of life I have seen some young children face horrific times and do so with the bravest face. That would be the real world; that would be a child that walks in reality.